Bye! Bye! Bye!

This is my ode to the last decade.  A very vulnerable one, this is my story.

For some reason over the past month at every moment we have had we have taken every cupboard and spring cleaned it.  This is normally the behavior I displayed before I gave birth (don't worry, no more babies), a nesting a preparation for a new life.  If I want to be stupid existential and deep its actually symbolic.  Among everything we had, we had 6 unpacked boxes, they have been packed for 4years. They were mostly filled with personal journals, courses, books and stuff from my ministry days.  I have never had the nerve to actually get rid of them.

I am happy to state that after going though them all I threw everything into paper and plastic recycling boxes, filled files and all. They are all lying on a recycle pile somewhere, it will all be recycled into new paper.  Hopefully after the recycle process takes place it will all be new paper that will go into books that will go into the hands of someone wanting to bare their souls onto the new paper.

I found my journal for the year 2010! No one has ever seen this first entry for my journal in 2010. As you can see it was the beginning of the end for a big part of my life that I irrevocably thought was my soul purpose.  You may think it's sad that it has  taken me almost a decade to sort my shit out or to  "just get over it" as we were told in those days.  But the truth is I didn't  a mentruly havetor during those years (my own fault).

 I thought I had mentors, but I have realised over the last 9 years what I thought I had or was, was a very obscured reality.  In a culture of distrust you subconsciously don't trust or reach out.   This is not me blaming anyone, in fact I actually blame myself 95% for almost everything.  For being so naive mostly and not questioning a whole lot more. Also forgiven myself for truth I ignored that I did not know was truth at the time. It's a very bad result of "everyone speaking the same language".

Another reason I have limped and wrestled with this for so long is that at the time I believed with every part of my mind, heart and soul that i would be doing this for the rest of my life.  I now know I can still do all of what's in my heart just 100% differently.

I have owned my every part in the story, said sorry where I needed to, confronted people where I needed to and those battles that don't deserve my peace I have flung. I have accepted the apologies I will never receive.   To be honest, as I am typing now I have no more ill thoughts or feelings toward anyone.  I realised it has been tough because I genuinely loved a lot of the people that were in my life.  Grace has taught me that we are all human and we all do our best.  But there is danger in all in institutions and religious organisations are no exception, especially under the banner of "we all need to speak the same language" or "you may only speak up", who do you speak up to when there is no one there?

To bare the boring details and give you a small follow-up since my first entry of the last decade:

I started speaking about resignation in March 2010 as I just couldn't humanly do everything that was on my plate.  And because I was a great team player I would do whatever it took to get things done.  I was left exhausted with absolutely no energy for anything but the work.  Among a mountain of responsibilities I lead 2 major homes with, something no one actually could successfully manage long term after I left. It was not perfect but I did what I could. I needed to acknowledge that part loud because my personal/family sacrifice has never been verbally acknowledged for the running of those 2 homes specifically. It took everything we had and even our own personal finances. I am okay with that now.  An crisis intervention plan was made but it was too little too late.

I fell pregnant with Lilly that April

I officially resigned at the end of August 2010

I finished my last day of ministry 31 December 2010

Lilly was born on the 6th Jan 2011
I went for therapy and onto anti-depressants April 2011

2011-2019 a whole beautiful and painful journey of discovering who I really am  without spiritual manipulation most of the time. Stepping into brand new arenas and learning to rise strong! Trying and testing and saying goodbye to so so much.  Unlearning and relearning.  I have made amicable peace with the past as it helped shape me into who I am.  And as said I can't love in half measures and genuinely loved all the people in my life.

2019 I had the chance to sit down with a leader and ask some hard questions.  I think the biggest question was, why wasn't I offered alternative opportunities as were offered to my male colleagues or to people who were in ministry as a couple?  The answers weren't deeply satisfying and I had a brief moment of grief realising that I had sacrificed nearly all of who I was to a system that wasn't so serious about me.  I appreciated the opportunity but walked away so very grateful that I left all those years ago.


I get so very happy (not mad sad anymore) when I realise that I am going into the next decade a totally different person than in 2010.  Free and happy!

My first entry for the next decade will be a whole lot whole.

My family is whole and I was able to achieve most of my goals (weight I don't really care too much about, healthy I do care about) set in 2010, who cares if it took me a decade!

Here's to the next decade

FYI on almost every page of about 12 journals their is a cry from deep in my heart for the poor, destitute and marginalised.