What I learn from my children IV
To be very honest I don't feel as inspired to write as I have previously and feel the pressure to write another great entry, so I hope this one will be worth your while.
I have never ever in my life been as uncomfortable as I have been in the last couple of months as I do not have a 10 year plan for my life and everytime someone asks me what I am going to do next year, I get the same panick attack, as I did when I was in Grade 12 when that intrusive question was flung my way, as I do not have any clear cut answers and plans. All I want to do is love my family and make a difference everyday wherever I find myself.
This personal crisis links directly to what I have learned from my children and that is the great adventure of EXPLORING and being TRUE to who you are!!! These two thoughts will cut across and be entertwined as I type this blog. I apologise beforehand already for the mash potatoe thought process of this blog.
I thought that I was a great explorer in the past but came to the shocking realisation that I was secure and comfortable where I was at and that the neccessity to explore wasn't really there.
When I walk with Lexie-Grace or watch her play in new environments I see a great element of exploration. Although cautious and apprehensive she eventually goes for it as she knows myself or Niel are there to catch her if something happens. Just as I imagine Jesus waiting to catch us if we fall. I also learn that she is so true to her 2 and a half state of mind and that she explores her emotions and feelings. Like said in another entry, she explores and is true as she knows the company she keeps, namely her father and I, will accept her no matter what. Maybe we feel insecure about exploring the world and how we feel because we don't feel secure in our friendships and realtionships with others. The greatest thing I have learnt in the past 6 and a bit months is that almost all people don't need judgement they need friends. Most of us have a strong moral code and are good and dechipering what is right or wrong and don't need some pias judgment call on our relationship with God.
I know we are not allowed to say this out loud or even confess it, but i think there is so much safety and comfort in our circles especially the one I find myself in and that is the one of Christianity, that we think we are exploring but we are not really. We do the same old, same old, day in and day out. On paper we know that a life with God is adventurous and exciting, but in reality we are all so safe and know exactly what the next few weeks will hold for us. We know our paychecks will cover all the bills and that in a few months time we will have an appraisal and all our ducks need to be in a row, we know what conferences we will attend and how we need to smile to impress the right people. We are safe with our thoughts and emotions because we slap on a plastic smile and fake it all the way through. Maybe that is not true of you but it "was" of me :) I find that in our Christian circles no-one really knows what the limit of being real is, leaving us to be a little fake. So when one person pushes those limits we feel a little uncomfortable. I am so over trying to impress organisations and people who don't actually pay attention and this has given me liberty and freedom. I really want to make God smile and by being authentic I believe I am succeeding. Be you and stop trying to impress. I am aware that my honesty makes a lot of people feel a little akward and if it does it's okay you don't need to read on. I have gone through a lot of journals from my life and memo's people have sent me and the recurring theme is that my honesty is something that speaks out in a good way. So your gift might be leadership and mine is being okay with people's real raw emotions :)
Myself and Niel are in a very transitional phase of our lives and are making some decisions about our future and when we talk about these decisions the first thing that comes to mind is, NO, we shouldn't even try and do this or that. All it is, is fear and safety all at once. To step out and try something new would actually mean we have to trust God and rely on him and not our own clever little plans. Taking risks are scarey but I am starting to believe very neccessary if you want to live a life dependent on God. I have started taking risks and started exploring areas that I have never ever thought I might go to and by doing this I have rediscovered the adventure of living a life dependent on God. I don't have all the answers and that's OKAY, because God didn't call me to be God :) Right now life is scarey, exhilirating, confusing and above all fun and ADVENTUROUS!!!
I am not sure this makes sense so what I am trying to say is; DON'T BE AFRAID TO EXPLORE AND JUST BE YOU!!!
If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.
Rachel Carlson
To be nobody-but-yourself-in a world which is doing its best night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
E. E. Cummings
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