Seeing Beyond

Just a bit more than a week ago our church hosted a enrichment week-end called "Seeing  Beyond" which purpose was to facilitate the ignition of vision in the lives of us as individuals as well as the vision of the church in our own lives.  Considering the state of mind I found myself in for the past 20months I was rather shocked as to the fact that my being was a little excited about this week-end. So much so that we organized babysitting for our youngest for the first night.Seeing Beyond

Now being in the ministry for 13 years  I have been to tons of conferences, encounters, camps whatever you choose to call it.  Most of them impacting my life in big ways.  But none of them have ever been as PROFOUNDLY impacting as this one week-end. At times I had a bit of an ego boost thinking to myself that God had orchestrated this whole week-end just for me as every single message that was shared hit my heart like a flaming sharp arrow.   Leaving me like a buck staring into headlights as all the lights went on in my head. 

This was the third event our church has hosted where I was now sitting in the multitudes of people,and not on special reserved seating,  which to be honest,  is a lot to get used to when it was such a big part of your Church life experience.  But at the same time refreshing, as you are given the freedom to just be. Allowing the Word to touch your inner being to the point that your inner being is so deeply impacted that you can't help but be visibly affected (tissues? YES PLEASE!!! ). Not sure why after the first session I continued wearing make-up for the remainder of the week-end.

After the Friday night session my eyes were starting to get a little agitated and burny, not something I experienced before, but I just shrugged it off as the effects of the August winds in a very dry and dusty part of our country (a little resemblance of my spirit at the start of this week-end).

Okay Friday night done! Go home and sleep!

Wake-up it's Saturday morning, need to get 2 small girls up and ready for an early start. Every parent reading this knows that by just the mere mention of "2 small" implies the whirlwind and chaotic happenings of that morning.  Anyhow, amidst the whirlwind of getting children ready I had to give some attention to myself and then realized that my eyes were even more irritated than the night before.  But like all good mothers do, you just ignore it to tend to a bigger trending issue in your household, namely that of what is known as 3year old and toddler meltdowns!!!! Enough said!!!!!

For the sake of keeping this a readable entry on my blog I will just state that the 2 Saturday morning sessions were absolutely incredible and I have a big  big "to-do" list to activate those messages into my life.  

The point that impacted me the most during Saturday morning was not a complex or intricate one, but rather a seemingless arb point , namely that of a life re-design!  Simple, but it fell on very fertile soil in my heart.  In the past 5years I have become a mom and parent and in the last 20months I left full-time ministry that was such a huge part of my life if not my whole life.  I became a full-time mom as well as starting a new business I became an entrepreneur. With all these new dimensions in my life I was still living by my previous life design. No wonder I wasn't coping,  I was reading the wrong design for me for now.  A lot in my life and circumstances have changed and so my soul resonated with an idea to re-design my current life phase and circumstances.  I found myself in a new arena playing a new game but was still following the rules of the old game.  Just making that small connection revolutionized my current state of mind.

Skip to Saturday night and you will find me doomed to our beautiful and equipped mothers room which has been a big part of my life since 2008, so to say that "I'm over it" is a BIG understatement.  And I sincerely say that it is beautiful and well equipped because it is, but any mother who has served a "mothers room sentence" will agree with me that your concentration on the message being shared enters your brain in fragmented pieces leaving you a little confused as to what is being shared.  Basically what I am saying is, is that I don't know what was shared. Note to self : download the podcast.

Okay let's get back to the point before this blog entry becomes like  : "i wish I could sleep and then my A.D.D kicks in and well basically, one sheep, two sheep, cow, turtle, duck, old Mc Donald had a farm....... HEEEEEY Macarena! 

Okay Saturday done! Go home! Sleep! 

Hello Early Sunday morning! Read Saturday wake-up call and just add slightly more tired little girls :)

By Sunday morning my eyes are now very sore and a constant burn sensation has become my friend.    It looked as though I was crying throughout the night but I actually slept well. There is eventually a point as to why I am telling you about my burny sore eyes. 

The morning message was called "Count me In" and being in my DNA I always want to be counted in where there is a difference to be made.  A lot of great thoughts came out in that message but the one point that hit fertile soil in my heart again was the analogy Ps Oystein made of a car. He stated that in a car there is a small rear view mirror for us to look back into but a big windscreen in front for us to look through as to see where we are going.  Another very simple point but very impacting in my life. 

The problem is that in life at times we can be continually looking in the rear view mirror of our lives that it controls us and dictates to us. We get stuck in looking back so much that it stops us looking ahead through the very big windscreen to our future. We reminisce about old victories, relationships, moments so much so that we don't realize it traps us into a stagnant point.  By looking back constantly you are hampered from seeing what lies ahead of you. This is particularly true for me as I miss a lot of my old connections to people as well as to what i did as a career.  The light switch in my brain flashed so bright and I realized then and there that I am robbing myself of a great future and what God has in store for me by keeping my eyes locked on that teeny tiny rear view mirror.  

We go home and all 4 TheVans have a 4 hour nap, which is a miracle in itself when one has 2 small little ones you are responsible for. We wake up from our nap and now my eyes are so sore that I can bearly open them.  Too late to go to the chemist to get something to administer into my eyes I start administering old school solutions by washing my eyes out with salt water and then milk. Needless to say that didn't help one bit. 

We wanted to go to the evening service,  but I told my husband that it would be a waste of my time to go with my eyes being so exceptionally sore and then having to sit in the mothers room ontop of it all would just not be a doable task. Being the good man he is, he said he will stay with Lilly in the kids zone area and I could go to the service. I popped 2 myprodols  in the hope that it would help a bit with my eyes and off to church we went again.

This time Ps Jostein was up and he had me at "Out of the System". Now if you know me you would be familiar that there is a bit of a rebellious side to my thinking. Okay relax already John Bevere fans, not talking about the witchcraft type.  More the one that doesn't like the status quo, one that likes to challenge ideas, ask questions, think for myself and say a few controversial things. PS controversial isn't always bad, it's the only thing that has ever changed the world. 

Thank  goodness I was sitting in the shadow of the wings as i silently cried through that whole message.  This message tickled the rebellious chromosomes in my body as very controversial statements according to my frame of reference were being made. The following is a rough summary:

  " Do not abort your dream.  Pain is a good sign that there is going to be a birth.

    Don't wait for the system to give you a place.

    If u feel different don't give up.  Jesus was born and lived outside the system.

    You don't have to be elected to do something for God. Be yourself!

    Often very big things are born out of the system.  

     Never give ip! Stop trying to show something, just continue doing what you are doing.

     Just be still when your dream is growing. "

You see, God has given me a passion for Social Justice and it just won't relent and in my being I was convinced that by my past decisions of resigning, that I was now out of God's system to ever be able to do anything Big for Him again. But why was He still placing such big burdens and dreams on my heart? It honestly would just be a lot easier if I plainly just didn't care about the vulnerable and destitute but it's in my blood, so strongly attached to my DNA that I can't tap it out of my system. 

The Preacher Man closed off with this question: "Does your life feel dusty and dry? Rain is coming! The spirit of God is going to rain over your life."   My answer to all of the above was YES! YES! YES! 

The tears now really started pouring out of my eyes and I finally just surrendered my future to God as I really felt the spirit of God starting to rain over my life again. There was a long drought in my life and it was like it ended at that instant.  A heavy shadow was lifted from my life that Sunday night as the lights went on immediatley!  

There is a NEW SYSTEM baby! A system where God has given me a big burden to tend to my family, my business and the plight of the vulnerable and exploited. And it was cemented in my heart at that moment that God will use my family and my business for the vulnerable and exploited!  And as an aside in the past week my little business has reached record sales in just one week :) 

We got home that night, put the girls in bed and just sat down on our bed when I realized that the irritation and pain in my eyes were gone.  There was not an inch of discomfort and I immediately knew the physical pain in my eyes were a symbolic sign that I had to loose sight of the past in order for God to use me in the future.  And a lot of pain took place in my soul as i let go of the past but it became crucial for my survival.  As I cried in Church that night  it was as if God was telling me the old has gone and the new has come. In my heart it was a mini-funeral of everything I have known and achieved, there is now a new score card in place. 

God has given me a NEW clean vision in order for me to see BEYOND!!!!!

       

Footnote:  I share my thoughts on my Blog in spite that my vulnerability might just help one or two people or maybe it's just plain stupidity. You be the judge :)