Change

My change didn't come in the pretty wrapped up packet the way I wanted it too or the way I envisioned it.  I actually thought It didn't arrive and it left me feeling disappointed, angry and forgotten.  I wrestled with and continue to wrestle with my perceived disappointment by retreating and only showing up for the select few in my life. Truthfully I don't think the wrestling match is over, but I am growing and learning so much throughout this process.  Reading my blogs, it seems like I always come to a roadblock and end up falling, but the fact that I keep writing means I always get back up!

As a family we were going to relocate to Johannesburg by the 1st December of  2013 as my husband accepted an offer from a very good International based company.  He had been walking a journey with them for 8 months and after 10 interviews, (Yes 10!)  the offers  were finally put on the table. Throughout this process my husband was exceptionally open and honest with his prospect employers and current employers (what a man of great integrity).  Anyways to cut a very long and tedious story short. We had our expected ultimatums from both employers in our hearts and Niel knew what he needed.  Those close to us could see the amount of strain these decisions made on Niel and they were all so very supportive. The decisions to move away from The Vaal wasn't the easiest to make.  He handed in his official resignation at his current employers and signed and accepted the offer from the new employers.  We told those closest to us about our impending move to Joburg and people were mostly supportive (hope it wasn't good riddance :D)  

We were excited, happy and very nervous to move into the Urban Jungle.  We were so very excited  about the challenge and change that was coming our way. We found a school for our girls. We found a suitable area that we were to move to, put our house on the market, called removal companies.  We knew of a few churches we would like to go check out, My soul was mostly excited about this.  In our hearts we were set and ready to become Urban Dwellers. 

Then just 2 weeks before Niel (my husband) was supposed to start his new job, he got summonsed to the BIG BOSSES office ( think it was possibly the 1st time they ever had a conversation) and the MD said they would like Niel to stay and they offered him a new job.  

That afternoon Niel came home and told me all this and I started laughing when he told me and said "I hope they cried when you told them you are not staying".  He looked at me with a very serious face and said: "Babe, I really feel that I need to accept this new job offer and that we must stay in The Vaal.  I think I choked on my own spit when he told me that !  Niel was serious and stern and so confident with this decision it scared me. 

I was like "NO! NO! NO!" we have made a decision and we are going.  And he just said: "No we staying babe, i really feel this is what I need to do."  I went silent for 3 days, not out of nastiness or stubbornness, but I honestly didn't have any words to say or any energy to even discuss any of this. I WANTED CHANGE AND I WANTED IT MY WAY! 

On the 3rd day, (a Saturday) I was making supper, a white sauce in fact. The decision to stay in The Vaal consumed me and nauseated me at the same time.  I was a little angry too as I was waiting for my ticket out of TheVaal.  While I was stirring the white sauce violently, I heard a small inner voice saying: "Just stop fighting, your husband has made the right decision".  As is typical to my personality I would normally object, but I didn't.  I immediately felt a sense of peace and calm about all of this and went straight to Niel and told him that I trust his decision. P.s Having peace and calm about something still doesn't make it all easy, it just helps the decision make sense. 

December was a CRAP month as we were lamenting the move of our very very very dear friends to Australia and I couldn't help but think of being "stuck" in TheVaal, while so many ppl are experiencing new adventures! Yes, I was doing the dangerous comparison thing (I suggest you don't do this, it is ugly).  You need to know that I am sincerely and genuinely happy for the good things that happen in others lives and I rarely covet, but man I was struggling.  December was cruel and lonely!  Start of January was shitty too as our daughter had to go for her 3rd eye operation and it just felt like we were stranded and deserted. 

I hung around my family ALOT, which was my saving grace.  At the end of January I got up in a very depressed state and honestly was just so sick of feeling like that, so right there and then I got down on my knees and asked God to help me change.  Firstly, teach me what change was and quicken a sense of newness in my life.  Niel and the girls seemed GREAT, why was I the only Van feeling like this? Then I asked Him to help me change my thought patterns and a whole lot more!  I still have such a long way to go, but I am going. It isn't easy and natural because the flesh is a strong force.  I don't always get how people say they prayed and their attitudes changed instantly, for me I pray and then it's still a tough wrestle. 

God is ridiculously, scandalously overwhelmingly faithful, so let His purposes play out your life. 

I was championing a physical change but I really needed an inward change.  Who knows what the future holds and if ever we will get our physical change, all I know is, is that I am not always thrilled but I am content and I do see the blossoming of newness in our lives.   

Why do I say God is scandalously overwhelming faithful?  Myself and Niel haven't been to church in 12 months (not something we brag about but rather something we are trying to work and figure out) I mention this because I only believed God loved me and was pleased with me because I was a good Church goer, NO, this is only true of people not God.  I brought God down to the level of the hurt from people and what they said.  The truth is people will always be wreckless with their words and so will I, hopefully always unintentionally.  My circle has become smaller but definitely more sincere and authentic.  I am forever grateful for those who have stuck around in my not so great moments. We are hoping to find a good fit in a Spiritual body again one day where we can contribute and outwork the passions in our heart and have discovered so much about religious cliques and acceptance.  That is a blog for another day.  

But know this, regardless of our hurts, offenses and failures He has been good to us and I really know that I love Him and that He loves me not because I am good  but because He is good.